Ten things I hate: a random rant


  1. Blog posts and articles that tell mature women to stop wearing cheap-ass fashiony shit and instead sport a Capsule Wardrobe of Investment Pieces, with the implication that grownup ladies can automatically afford a bit of Comme des here and some Nom*D there. Apparently all women over 40 have a) had kids that have now left home (a home they own, by the way) b) did not have kids thereby leaving them an unbroken climb to the top of some vaguely outlined lucrative career path, which means they now have a lovely nestegg to blow on Botox and really superbly awesome shoes. You’d almost think the female workforce wasn’t largely made up of people who are cleaners and  bumwipers, who spend decades on minimum wage and would be lucky if they could blow their nestegg on some $9.99 piece of tat at Farmers. Good God, consumer industry. Get a grip. Get real.
  2. English people on American TV programmes. What accent is that? What language are they speaking? Why are they plummily saying things like “parking lot” and “I got this”? Why, when they visit England, or “Europe”, is it like a sort of Windsor theme park populated by faux butlers? Why are there no working class people? It’s even worse when the actors are ACTUALLY English. Why can’t they revolt and say “look English people don’t talk this way, my character would use several more words which might take a couple more seconds but…” oh. I think I just worked out why. Nonetheless, it remains very wrong.
  3. Gum. It’s disgusting.The sound and the smell of it make me want to vomit and it should be banned everywhere for all eternity.
  4. Ham. And all  related meats. Why are New Zealanders obsessed with pork products? Why must we put ham in everything? Muslims don’t eat ham. Jews don’t eat ham. Vegetarians and vegans don’t eat ham. People who don’t like ham don’t eat ham. That’s surely a large enough sector of the population to make the supply of ham-free sandwiches automatic at all work shouts and funerals.
  5. Cutesy animal speak. If cats could talk there is no way they would say things like “can haz cheeseburger”. Cats are intelligent and subtle creatures. possessed of quite wide vocabularies. Also they are cats. They don’t speak English, they speak cat. They communicate with their ears and their posture and their scent. And if they want a cheeseburger they don’t ask for it, they swipe it out of your mouth with their paw.
  6. That talking cat collar ad. See above.
  7. Label worship. I sneaked into an open home the other day (GV $900,000 plus) where a fancy gas fire was gently warming the indoor-outdoor flow. Upon every surface were boxes and candles with “Gucci” and “Ralph Lauren” inscribed upon them. I can only hope that the real estate agent put them there to enhance the high-price atmosphere and that the seller hadn’t been sitting round lovingly admiring them of an evening. (My reading glasses are Ralph Lauren. I only got them because the frames were flattering and they were comparatively cheap. My sunglasses are $10 tat from a market stall and they’re MUCH cooler.)
  8. Those plastic things on the end of bread. You know. Those squarish coloured things with a hole  in them that hold the bag together. I once saw an exhibition of jewellery made out of them and it was very clever but they’re just so ugh.
  9. Stage Irishisms. If I never hear the words “to be sure to be sure” or “top of the morning” or “begorrah” again I can safely say I’m actually in Ireland. A country with a few more redheads than usual but that’s largely populated by normal looking folks with brown hair and fair skin and light eyes, who do normal things like go to work and buy the groceries and quietly judge you for your obsession with labels (probably). Some of them don’t even drink – they’re members of the Pioneer Total Abstinence Association which is a real thing, look it up. Somewhere in our house is my dad’s (lapsed) membership certificate. I’m totally getting it and framing it sometime.
  10. Writer’s block.

Blog post loosely inspired by the ever-delightful Black Friday, whose list of hates resonates with me immensely. Especially the thing about the thick plastic seal packaging. Who thought that was a good idea? Seriously.


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